Review: Fifty Shades of Grey

Really? REALLY???? This is what is making all of the non-readers pick up a book and read?? PUH-LEASE! I haven’t read anything quite so horrifyingly cheesy in a long, long time (still trying to erase that one and only Jackie Collins novel I was stuck reading back when I was 19 years old)!

Summary in the words of Derek Zoolander: Christian Grey is really, REALLY, ridiculously good-looking. He is also rich, fashionable and a well-known business man. He must work out, I mean look at him, he is beautiful, like, really, really beautiful. But his beauty is a mask– he has a past and it has made him messed up, so very, very messed up! By chance he happens to meet the young, beautiful, Anastasia Steele (wow! that sounds like a model’s name)! She knows nothing about fashion and nothing about his world. I mean, she has never even felt attracted to any man. But, when you meet Christian Grey, there is chemistry, not like the kind of chemical you use for a facial peel, but the sexy kind. Ms. Steele is like a piece of cloth, waiting to be made into a billowy robe, ready for the cat-walk. From virgin to porn queen in 2 days time– that is what Eau de Christian Grey can do for you too! *whispers* Grey is the essence of sex! Sex is the essence of porn.

It’s a walk-off!

Christian: You are MINE.
Anastasia: My inner goddess is doing back flips! 
Christian: Here, have a computer. 
Anastasia:  Holy Moses! 
Christian: You are making my palm twitch. Anastasia: He cupped my sex. 
Christian: You have has six orgasms and all of them belong to me. 
Anastasia: He smells divine– like a sexy Christian-and-spiced-musky body wash. 
Christian: What are your hard limits? 
Anastasia: He is my very own Christian Grey flavoured Popsicle.
Christian: I am 50 shades of f**ked up. 
Anastasia: My inner goddess is doing the meringue with some salsa moves.
Christian: Welcome to my Red Room of Pain! 
Anastasia: I touched him there.
Christian: I will spank you now! 
Anastasia: Holy crap!
Christian: You must listen to my every command! 
Anastasia: Oh f**k!
Christian: Any objection to a butt plug? 
Anastasia: Oh please!
Christian: Stop biting your lip or I will bite it off! 
Anastasia: Oh Crapola!
Christian: What is it about elevators? 
Anastasia: I got an A in B.J. class yesterday.
Christian: Come here baby I am going to f**k you now.
Anastasia: Control freak!

Ok– it was just bad but (again) I must admit this isn’t my normal style of book. It was a TOTAL romance novel with some erotica (read PORN) stuck in. Not to say the sex wasn’t… interesting… but you had to get thru too much of the hum drum, he loves me, he loves me not, poorly written drivel to get to the hot spots. And even then the cheesocity of the dialogue and occasional tampon throwing was a turn off. Don’t buy into the hype– E. L. James is already making a million dollars a week. Pop in a porn and skip this one!! No sequels for me! 1 star.